Thursday, July 30, 2009

Say no to trends.

A young woman walks in. Tall, dark skin, lovely hair, nice body. Good posture, high heels, dressed in carefully coordinated labels , not afraid to show a little skin. She turns to shop from a display on the wall.

No less than four inches of back and two inches of butt crack separate her jeans from her shirt.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Assumptions : number-one cause of awkward.

A smaller-framed, pleasant older woman comes in. "Hi, I'm looking for some new bras, I recently lost a lot of weight."
This is a common phrase, bra fit changes with weight change. "Oh, congratulations!" That's really great."
"Actually, it wasn't...I had cancer."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Taking the law into your own crotch.

Photographer Seth Butler produced a thought-provoking photo essay entitled "Tattered: An Investigation of an American Icon."

Taken from panel 2 of 51 of the essay:
"Tattered is a documentary photo essay investigating the desecration and misuse of the American flag in the context of the U.S. Flag Code. If we are searching for who we are, America, we can find no better point of focus than our own Stars and Stripes."

Debate continues to this day over proper use and misuse of the flag. The often re-proposed Flag Desecration Amendment has never been passed because, while the most altruistic proponents seem to be merely trying to protect the integrity of the flag, there are undeniable implications on the effect such an amendment might have on free speech, artistic expression, political commentary, protesting, etc.

A customer picked up a pair of low-rise blue-lace-trimmed hipster panties made in Vietnam, featuring red and blue sponge-painted stars on a white background. Judging from the size she appeared as compared to the size of the garment, that lace was just barely going to cover her Old Glory.

United States Flag Code, Title 4, Chapter 1, Section 8, {d]. The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free. Bunting of blue, white and red, always arranged with the blue above, the white in the middle, and the red below, should be used for covering a speaker's desk, draping the front of the platform, and for decoration in general.

Fall Free - Does this mean she must display it?
Blue Above - the lace, evidence for a deliberate statement by the designer lost upon the masses.
Red Below - For the sake of common decency I decline to comment on the comparison between the wording of this code and the application of it in the context of a woman's undergarment.

"Oh mohai gawd how cute, it's so patriotic!"

Monday, July 13, 2009

"But in my arms she was always Lolita."

A woman and her pre-teen daughter asked for help finding a swimsuit.
"She's going to camp in a week and needs something for swimming in the lake," the woman told me. At the time we had a good selection of younger swimsuits that were basic, modest two-pieces in cute colors that would be alright for younger girls. However, when we couldn't find something to fit her the mother thanked me and said she was going to look at some basics for herself.
A few minutes later, the woman and her daughter come up to me holding a push-up bra and panty lingerie set - light blue satin, pink satin bows across the chest and tying the panties together.
"Do you think she could wear this as a swimsuit?"
Caught off guard I said it's not really meant for that, and we can't guarantee it'll hold up to chlorine.
"Oh that's alright, she's just going to be swimming in the lake."
A happy customer, they bought the set and walked out thanking me for my help.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Two distinguished gentleman walk in and sit on a log.

Once I watched a male companion of a client scratch his balls. Over the boxers, under the shorts.
For forty seconds.
I counted.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sometimes you feel like a boob, sometimes you don't.

After making her purchase and before leaving, a customer walked up to a manager and politely expressed her dissatisfaction regarding the attire of our associates.
"I'm sorry but your employees show way too much cleavage."
She said this to a manager standing in front of a 6x7 panel of marketing featuring the torso of a pouted model covering her nipples with her arm.
The woman purchased a push-up bra.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Interesting choices in copyrighted body art.

An outline of Miss Piggy. Specifically, Muppet Babies Miss Piggy. On the upper arm.
It was not a thin arm.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Star-Spangled Shoppers

The mall is open on fourth of July. Albeit shorter, sunday hours, it is still open. I suppose one of the most modern shows of american patriotism is spending money on a separate iPod for the gym and a stroller for your dog. It's all good if you're going to a barbecue later; i'm partial to fireworks.
The day is gorgeous and my hours are early. I take the long way to work, through the nice neighborhoods. Cops are smiling. Freshly waxed fire-trucks filled with heros are making their way to parade routes. Every other car has red-white-and-blue, happy tiny children are waving proportionate flags. There's even good parking. It is a beautiful morning in America.
I sip my coffee, happily walking down the halls knowing the world is good, patriotism is delicious and I get paid time-and-a-half. It's a good day. And as I wait outside the glass doors for the manager to finish counting-in the register, come open the doors so I might begin my caffeine-fueled day-
"It's 10:06! They should be fined!" says the Vulture Woman.
A customer with a store bag is pacing next to me.
"They have 15 minutes before they get fined."
"I'm calling corporate on monday! This is ridiculous!"
So, knowing i'm going to see this woman at some point in her rampage of the patience of my managers and staff, as I wait to be let in and sip my coffee, I sing quietly to myself:

"Ev'ry heart beats true
'neath the Red, White and Blue,
Where there's never a boast or brag."

Before she can cross the barrier of dirty looks the cleaning woman lets me in and I'm able to slip in the back, safely hidden until her return was complete.

"Should auld acquaintence be forgot,
Keep your eye on the grand old flag."