Friday, May 7, 2010


Until the transition to the new format is complete, TISATM will be on hiatus. Stay tuned for the grand re-opening!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Hey Mikey, He Likes It

Two teenage boys were waiting in line at the soft pretzel cart.
"Is Mikey coming?"
"I called him up and he said he was grounded."

"What for?"

"He said cause he hooked up with 6 girls."

Monday, March 15, 2010

It's funny because it's direct

After I informed the customer about the gift wrap that came with a gift card purchase, they asked and I answered.

"Does your phone number come with a giftcard purchase?"


Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Time for Love

It was the day before Valentines; traffic was high, stock and patience were low. A customer phoned in about a certain lingerie set. After finally getting a moment after ringing up dozens of demanding lovebirds, I'm sent to seek out the item in a store that's been torn up like Rip, I find the last two pieces available. When I relay this information to the man on the phone, he asks for a certain size. We don't have it.
"What do you mean we don't have it?!"
"Well it's the holiday and-"
"I've been trying to get this set at three different stores!"
"I don't know what to tell you, Sir."
"You don't know what to TELL me?? Who am I supposed to ask, my wife?!"
"YOU have a wife? I feel sorry for her."
As he started yelling for a manager, I tossed the phone in the drawer and went back to the register.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Maybe he was practicing.

I watched a man push a baby carriage past the store. In the carriage was a 100 count box of Pampers. There was no child in site.
Then I thought, it's silly when an adult has child things without a child,but it's different when a child has adult things without an adult. Then I saw a toddler pushing a shopping cart filled with PBR and fireworks.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Interview.

I had a job interview. I power-walked down the street; freshly pressed suit, a collared shirt that brought out my best colors, boots with just a bit of heel and an overcoat with subtle style hints in monochrome buttons and squared shoulders. I was researched, rehearsed, and ready to present myself in my best light. I felt pretty good. I turned a few heads.

One of those heads was a homeless guy who laughed and said, "Oooh lah dee daaah!" as he waved his hands and walked past me.

It is good to be humbled. It is even better to laugh at yourself.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The second time, I phoned in security.

The last two days I have walked past Spencer Gifts on my break. Both times I have seen the same couldn't-be-older-than-Justin-Bieber-year-old-girl, leaning on the railing outside, bumming with her high-school-was-their-glory-days buddies, sucking on a rainbow-striped grown-man sized phallic lollipop.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

As in Mouse (Titmouse?)

My register froze. It does this from time to time, but this was the fourth time today, and there had been a string of difficult customers. Venting my frustrations, I eululated a low-volume high-pitched cartoon-Cartman-calibur "Meeeeeeeeeh!" from my pouty face. When the display screen kicked back into gear, with my pussface I called out "Next!", only to look up and see a woman in her mid-to-late-forties who had been botoxed into a perminent pussface under her bleached blonde straw mop. When she spoke from her pixienose she berated me in a perfect reflection of my whiney impression.
"You know I think you're very rude and I'm calling corporate to complain, what's your name?"
"Minnie," I said. "Next."

Monday, February 1, 2010

Free Wanks Ick.

At least five times a day, there have been hang-up phone calls to the store phone. The caller stays on the line long enough to hear us say our monotone bisentence speach about the store they've reached, the big promotion going on, whom is speaking.
Hang-ups happen, it's a large store with a public phone number. But a few of us have heard breathing before a click. One girl swears she heard a moan. None of the phones have caller i.d.

Now, we always make the new girl pick up the phone.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

It skips a generation.

I saw two people, a man and a women, both in their mid forties, and both pushing themselves in rented wheelchairs. A 7-or-so-year-old boy trailed along with them, on foot. And I wondered, why isn't the boy in a wheelchair? Then I decided, wheelchairs are probably a recessive gene.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Well, maybe she is.

"No, you don't get it - this is why I won't marry you. You're. Wrong," a Don Juan commented to his sweetheart over his blackberry.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The comedy is in the usage, you see.

"So I said 'Don't you fucking understand that? You can't fucking exchange it! It's a fucking prom dress! Read your fucking receipt, and get it through your fucking head!'", a classy lady explained to her friend over coffee and window shopping.

Friday, January 15, 2010

They're really 60 year old dwarfs.

A pack of 13-year old cool kids were walking. One was adjusting himself. The other calls: "Hey Sully, why don't you stick your whole hand down there?"

Still messing with the four inches of Tweetiebird shorts killroying themselves out of his Levi's, he yells back in the most New York way, "My boxers fuggin' itch, whatayawant me to do about it?"

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Capitalism perplexes the youth.

Mall landlords usually jazz up vacant lots. Advertising, coverings, window displays; anything to beautify what would otherwise be a big empty dark reminder of the current hard times when many companies just can't afford the rent.

A young entrpeneur passing by the store commented to her companion "I don't understand why there's all these curtains. They should just put more stores in."

Monday, January 4, 2010

Hint: It means slut.

Two women and a child in a stroller came up to make a purchase. After talking to me in english, as I was completing their transaction the women started chatting in spanish. Now I'm no expert in romance languages, but anyone who grows up in a multiethnic neighborhood has picked up on a few choice words, and anyone whos graduated high school can discern basic phrases.

So when the mother of the girl said to her friend: "I love her but she's terrible, she keeps calling Marco's new wife 'puta',"and the friend replied: "It's not bad if she's correct," I couldn't help but join in laughing as I handed them their receipt.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year, Pilgrim.

On my break, I had to make a purchase of essentals: an extra jumbo value sized box of tampax pearl, the tinniest sugar free Red Bull they make, and a 2010 calander consisting entirely of 14x14 headshots of John Wayne.

I was still not the weirdest person at WalMart. Not by a long shot.