Saturday, October 31, 2009

Would you like to wear it out?

Shoppers who have waited on line for more than two minutes tend to say they're in a rush. While ringing up one of said customers, she answered a phone call.

"Yeah baby I know I'm on my way I'll be over in ten minutes." When she hung up, she asked me where the nearest drugstore was.

She was buying a matching set of a bra and crotchless panty.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Tech, No Logic.

A manager walked up to an associate who was showing me her new iPhone.

"Hey, is there a jobfinder program on there?"

"Uhh, yeah, they're called apps."

"Then I'd pull that shit up if I were you, you havn't done any selling since you got that thing. You're fired."

Having not upgraded my personal cell phone since before Rosie O'Donnell was on The View, I quietly went back to folding shirts.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Le Petit Theatre

When I was young and naive I worked at a movie theater near the mall . At this particular company we wore name tags, and anyone promoted above popcorn slinger had a badge above their name indicating what level they were; assistant manager, manager, etc.
During the usual two-hours-while-the-movie-in-on downtime, the manager came to give an associate who'd been there a few years the official pin marking his status as a supervisor.
As he pinned the badge onto the associate, without missing a beat he glances over at 17-year-old-me and said frankly "Bet he'd like to pin you," before disappearing into the office, going about his business and leaving us to bask in the awkward hilarity.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Get it? Because it's an erogenous zone?

The store has a lot of traffic, and traffic is made by people, and people can be disgusting. I was helping a woman find a bra, and after opening a storage drawer to look for the particular color she wanted we both noticed a huge, sticky, pink wad of gum stuck on the inside of the drawer.

"Sorry Ma'am, usually our bras are out of the store by the time they get spit all over them."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Eau de Parfum de Monsieur Propre

Times are hard all over, and thus so I've had to re-evaluate some of my luxuries. My mother once confessed that instead of refilling the bathroom sinks with hand soap, she uses liquid dish washing soap; it's cheaper, and the basic ingredients are the same. So in a rush to get to work and still wanting to look presentable (since I stand next to pictures of perfect women all day), I find I'm out of the good body wash, and use the pseudo-hand soap to get the job done. As I'm getting dressed I noticed that the bathroom smells like orange zest. Deciding it smells better than B.O., I scoot off to work.
Hours into my day and having already forgotten about my frugality, I approach a customer browsing lotions and perfumes to help her pick out a gift for her sister. As I'm showing her the newest re-branding, she asks,
"I'm sorry if this is weird but you smell amazing. What do you have on?"
With some quick thinking I lead her to one of the higher-end fragrances whose base just happened to be orange.

She bought the entire set including lotion, mist, perfume, and scented candle.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Buy one, get one - child.

Kids get lost at the mall all the time. Having called security, I was waiting with one weepy little boy when his mother came back into the store with an armful of shopping bags.

Two of those bags were from my store. Another was from KB Toys, and when seeing this, the boy burst into tears and had a tantrum because he didn't get to go pick out Legos. She had come into the store, made a purchase, went to another store, made a purchase, and then noticed she was minus one child.
Perhaps we've been wrong about the child leashes; they're actually used so the parent doesn't get away.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Points awarded for the most tactful answer.

Every so often a product is put out as one size fits all. It's easier for the store to display it, and it cuts down on shopping time. However, it does not make the truth easier when a quite hefty customer walked up to an associate, picked up a panty that a size 6 would have trouble getting on and asked,
"Is it really one size fits all?"

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hope in an uncertain world.

Most specialty stores, when they reach a certain age or size, branch out to other products. In the industry of image it makes sense that the-store-that-shall-not-be-named might move from underwear, shaping the inside, to makeup, shading the outside. All associates were trained in cosmetics, but only a few were good at it. These proud few were rewarded by demonstrating the product over, and over, and over until the end of days.

The associate perched by the make-up counter was approached by two woman. The younger was laughing with the older, saying that her mother needed a makeover. Her mother said she'd been putting on makeup for god knows how long, if she's doing it wrong it's too late to fix those mistakes.

The associate rolled up her sleeve and showed a rather pretty lotus tattoo she had on her forearm.

"Honey," she said to the customer, "I once had too much tequila and let my friend tattoo a smiley face on my arm, and I had it redone into something beautiful. If that mess can be fixed, so can you."