Thursday, December 31, 2009

Kind of like tit for tat.

A woman came in to exchange two bras for two new ones. Unfortunately, the store no longer made the old ones, and only stocked the new & improved forms. She became irate when, without a receipt, the associate could not make an even exchange - the woman could have paid sale price, then come in to try and get the new, full-price bra. When the woman still did not accept this answer, the clerk finally put it like this.

"Look, Ma'am, it's like if you walked into Best Buy with a Gameboy and said 'I'd like that Wii please'. It's not going to happen."

Friday, December 25, 2009

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Excuse me, didn't Epic used to be in this mall?"

"Yes sir, but I believe they closed down."

"What happened to it?"


Friday, December 18, 2009

Maybe he's getting coal.

As she is walking through the mall with armfulls of shopping bags with a babbling child at her heels, a mother pauses to turn around and say to her dear son;

"I am SHOPPING. I don't have time for you. I really don't!"

Let us pause and reflect on the virtues of family and love and hope this Holiday season brings upon us.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Candle curves in all the right places.

I have never seen a thin or sickly person working at a specialty candle shop.
"Holiday Ginger Nutmeg Cocoa Spice" and "Winter Twilight's Peppermint Stick" candles must be appetite stimulants.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Basically it was a good size for singing.

On the bottom of a teen female's long sweatshirt, the part that covers the butt, were the screenprinted letters"SING IT LOUD"
Now, question. Would the volume of the singing be determined by the size of the buttom?
In that case, the phrasing held true.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Dating advice: Start early.

Walking back from pictures with santa, a woman said something to her couldn't-be-older-than-5 granddaughter.

"Emily, if a boy asks you out on a date, and he doesn't know what a cotillion is, don't date him."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It's creepy when they use your name over and over.

Sometimes customers call whichever phone number they can find, as long as its in the same mall. At 10:00am one morning last week, I had the privilege to answer this phone call.
"Good morning, thank you for calling "----", Susan speaking how may I help you?"
"Do you know when Beefcake Chahlies opens?"
Since there's no male strip club near the property, I ask "...You mean Beefsteak Charlies?" and give her the phone number.
"Thanks Susan. You know the service there was terrible, absolutely terrible. I would not recommend them, no, not at all, I went there last night. Have you ever been there Susan?"
"Well I would not recommend it. I went there last night and the waitress, awful woman, she barely said a word to us and threw our plates at us and I got fish, and she didn't even give us lemon - I mean people get lemon with fish all the time - do you like fish, Susan?"
"Oh I'm not really into jam bands." No response. "Ah, depends on the fish?"
"Well she brings me a lemon wedge from the bar, like it was for my drink, and when she sees me use it she says 'Oh..It was for your food..' I mean where do they find these people, Susan?"

Possibly in the same place one finds people who call an underwear store to complain about a steakhouse.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

November Hiatus +Bonus

November turned into a break month, posts will resume in december. On my hiatus, here's something I overheard.

I was in my seat on a plane going to visit my sister. I snagged the window seat, and smiled at the middle-aged woman with a huge bag of magazines and snacks who took the aisle seat. She smiled back and seeing we had the middle seat free, I commented how everyone else seemed to be seated, and it was nice that we might have some extra room on the flight. She replied with whisper and a smile.

"Let's just hope no obese person has this seat."

On the one hand, I'm sitting next to an potentially awful woman who unfairly judges people by how they look. On the other hand, I have a ton of extra elbow room and a supply of entertainment.

The moral dilemmas of holiday travel.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Would you like to wear it out?

Shoppers who have waited on line for more than two minutes tend to say they're in a rush. While ringing up one of said customers, she answered a phone call.

"Yeah baby I know I'm on my way I'll be over in ten minutes." When she hung up, she asked me where the nearest drugstore was.

She was buying a matching set of a bra and crotchless panty.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Tech, No Logic.

A manager walked up to an associate who was showing me her new iPhone.

"Hey, is there a jobfinder program on there?"

"Uhh, yeah, they're called apps."

"Then I'd pull that shit up if I were you, you havn't done any selling since you got that thing. You're fired."

Having not upgraded my personal cell phone since before Rosie O'Donnell was on The View, I quietly went back to folding shirts.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Le Petit Theatre

When I was young and naive I worked at a movie theater near the mall . At this particular company we wore name tags, and anyone promoted above popcorn slinger had a badge above their name indicating what level they were; assistant manager, manager, etc.
During the usual two-hours-while-the-movie-in-on downtime, the manager came to give an associate who'd been there a few years the official pin marking his status as a supervisor.
As he pinned the badge onto the associate, without missing a beat he glances over at 17-year-old-me and said frankly "Bet he'd like to pin you," before disappearing into the office, going about his business and leaving us to bask in the awkward hilarity.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Get it? Because it's an erogenous zone?

The store has a lot of traffic, and traffic is made by people, and people can be disgusting. I was helping a woman find a bra, and after opening a storage drawer to look for the particular color she wanted we both noticed a huge, sticky, pink wad of gum stuck on the inside of the drawer.

"Sorry Ma'am, usually our bras are out of the store by the time they get spit all over them."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Eau de Parfum de Monsieur Propre

Times are hard all over, and thus so I've had to re-evaluate some of my luxuries. My mother once confessed that instead of refilling the bathroom sinks with hand soap, she uses liquid dish washing soap; it's cheaper, and the basic ingredients are the same. So in a rush to get to work and still wanting to look presentable (since I stand next to pictures of perfect women all day), I find I'm out of the good body wash, and use the pseudo-hand soap to get the job done. As I'm getting dressed I noticed that the bathroom smells like orange zest. Deciding it smells better than B.O., I scoot off to work.
Hours into my day and having already forgotten about my frugality, I approach a customer browsing lotions and perfumes to help her pick out a gift for her sister. As I'm showing her the newest re-branding, she asks,
"I'm sorry if this is weird but you smell amazing. What do you have on?"
With some quick thinking I lead her to one of the higher-end fragrances whose base just happened to be orange.

She bought the entire set including lotion, mist, perfume, and scented candle.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Buy one, get one - child.

Kids get lost at the mall all the time. Having called security, I was waiting with one weepy little boy when his mother came back into the store with an armful of shopping bags.

Two of those bags were from my store. Another was from KB Toys, and when seeing this, the boy burst into tears and had a tantrum because he didn't get to go pick out Legos. She had come into the store, made a purchase, went to another store, made a purchase, and then noticed she was minus one child.
Perhaps we've been wrong about the child leashes; they're actually used so the parent doesn't get away.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Points awarded for the most tactful answer.

Every so often a product is put out as one size fits all. It's easier for the store to display it, and it cuts down on shopping time. However, it does not make the truth easier when a quite hefty customer walked up to an associate, picked up a panty that a size 6 would have trouble getting on and asked,
"Is it really one size fits all?"

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hope in an uncertain world.

Most specialty stores, when they reach a certain age or size, branch out to other products. In the industry of image it makes sense that the-store-that-shall-not-be-named might move from underwear, shaping the inside, to makeup, shading the outside. All associates were trained in cosmetics, but only a few were good at it. These proud few were rewarded by demonstrating the product over, and over, and over until the end of days.

The associate perched by the make-up counter was approached by two woman. The younger was laughing with the older, saying that her mother needed a makeover. Her mother said she'd been putting on makeup for god knows how long, if she's doing it wrong it's too late to fix those mistakes.

The associate rolled up her sleeve and showed a rather pretty lotus tattoo she had on her forearm.

"Honey," she said to the customer, "I once had too much tequila and let my friend tattoo a smiley face on my arm, and I had it redone into something beautiful. If that mess can be fixed, so can you."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Can't Always Get What You Oggle

The mall has long been a destination for teenagers to hang out and do nothing. The malls walk a fine line. They want to attract customers to spend an entire day at the mall. They offer food all over the place, they have an indoor playground for the kids. And some have put in chairs and couches so, instead of being tired and leaving, packs of shoppers can rest up and shop some more. This tactic also welcomes cash-poor teens, and honestly, who's going to tell them to leave - a mall cop on a Segway?

I was on my break, and needed a change of scenery. Even though I was inside I sacrificed the knowing that I would look like a douche bag for a sense of separation from the masses, and I wore my sunglasses indoors. I work in an impression-of-upscale retailer, and I usually dress the part.

Two had-to-be-16-year-old boys, sitting in their not-quite-Ed-Hardy T-shirts, chewing on wish-they-were-cigarette straws, slouched one of the mall-provided couches and fixed their eyes on - well let's say my - walk, turning their heads slowly to follow my ass all the way back to whence it had come.

When older people seek out the underage it is pedophilia. What's it called when younger people seek out ethical adults? Unsuccessful marketing?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

See no Panties, Hear no Panties, Speak no Panties.

I was working cashier when a young couple, man and woman, were making their purchase.
"Do you think they make them wear the underwear?" The young man said under his breath, grinning like he'd made a funny.
Overhearing him I smiled as I added up their total and replied, "It's not mandatory, but it is encouraged so we might provide personal testimony. That'll be $51.25"
The man handed over his credit card without saying anything, and neither half of the couple said anything in reply as they took their bags and left.

Monday, September 21, 2009


A woman came in looking for a replacement to the strapless bra she was wearing. She seemed so sweet, friendly and sure of the brand she had on. When she showed me the bra, to someone to looks at bras and the like all day, I could tell right away it was a regular bra that had the straps cut off.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Deaf with Rage.

It's awkward enough telling a customer that the store cannot accept their check after they've written it (the computer decides what machina checks we may use, and those we may not.)
Spending five minutes communicating that in hand gestures and head shaking to a customer who cannot hear or speak or read lips doesn't make it any better.
Then trying to inform her that her first credit card was declined? That picks things up to eleven.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

BONUS: Recognition..Sort of.

It's only been three months, but this blog has gotten some of the recognition it deserves.

Expiration date of funny: September 17, 2009. Freshness not guaranteed if purchased beyond this date.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

No ladies, real or fake, were harmed in this sighting.

Before the store opened one day, several associates were helping re-organize the floor setup. One was re-dressing a life-size mannequin.

These are not as disposable as you might think. Certain stores, in an attempt to appeal to different sensibilities, spend money on specific mannequins that are different ethnicities, have unique faces, and wigs of all shades. They are also very hard and can be quite heavy and when an associate was changing the sportswear on one particular relatable-but-still-unrealistically-proportioned statuette, the ceramic 6-ft-tall woman came crashing down on her.
The other associates rushed over to make sure their co-worker was alright.

The manager, counting money from the register, yelled "Did it break? Those models are ten thousand dollars each."

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Oh, I wish I were an oscar mayer panty.

There once was a series of thongs for sale. Differing in color, size and coverage of the panty, they were all uniform in the fact that the graphic gracing the crotch was a hot dog.
In a bun.

BONUS Political Issue.

Heard and not seen while an associate was folding t-shirts.

"Yeah I watched that Obama thing last night, and they showed McCain but they didn't show Palin."
"Uh, dumbass, she resigned from congress. Read the news."

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

A man walked into the store with a burned-down cigar hanging out of his mouth. Stationed in the front of the store, greeting customers, I welcomed the man but kindly pointed out that there was no smoking in the mall.
"It's not lit! See?"
The customer spoke to me as if it were an embarrassing error on my part. He also sounded as if he'd been annoyed by this comment in every store he'd been too, keeping up his cultivated image of toughness through tobacco even at the expense of A) constant annoyance and B) that thing was getting spiti-soaked down to the core, from the looks of it.

Some men refuse to enter a lingerie store. Others will do so, but only under the condition that their machosity is undeniably represented, requiring a physical filter of every word they utter inside the hallowed halls of panties. As if taking in the perfumed air is akin to breathing in a graveyard, with the promise of a vague but dire consequence that must be avoided at all costs.

Though without it being lit it just looks like a soggy poop in some big smelly guy's mouth.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Interesting choices in copyrighted body art 2

Tattoos are beginning to reflect a sense of unity rather than rebellion. Various nations throughout time have used tattooing as an initiation rite, with "tribal" designs representing families, status, achievements, etc. In this manor of thinking, it is not so radical that some studies as recent as 2006 found that about one third of adults have some sort of tattoo. Many chose to mark themselves with a certain piece of art at a certain time of their life to keep a permanent reminder of that time. A first name, written in simple cursive with a birth and loss date are straightforward memorials. Some are more abstract in meaning, beautiful to the beholder but meaningful to the living canvas in a semi-private way. Yes some religions frown on marking the body, but it could be argued that it is a way of connecting with the divine by being so thankful, so moved or so changed by a G-d-given experience that it becomes a way to remind us of what our often fickle memories might lose otherwise.

And then there was this guy I used to work with who had a full color, neck-up portrait of Homer Simpson on his inner thigh.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

All we are saying, is give fashion a chance.

Perhaps because of the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, the peace sign has been back in middle-lower retain fashion since spring 09. One particular shirt was a hit in its simplicity of the peace design in lace on a bright magenta cotton tee, and because of its popular brand ran low on stock fairly quickly, and soon there was only one left.
I saw two girls arguing over the last peace sign t-shirt. They turned out to be sisters, as a frazzled looking mother took the shirt and paid for all their purchases at once. As they left the store they were still arguing over whose it was.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Dog's Life.

A woman walks in pushing a small stroller. In the stroller is a medium-sized poodle. As bourgeois as that might be, the kicker is her small child was trailing behind her on foot.
On a leash.

Monday, August 17, 2009

At least it's not on the first date.

Kids always get dragged into the mall, and they are never happy about it. They might perk up at the toy store, but the mall is definitely not geared towards children. My store might be geared towards making children, but no one wants them in the store and they don't want to be there (and if they do want to be there and they're under 12, well that's a whole other set of issues.)
This boy couldn't have been older than ten. Short, pudgy, grumpy, he followed his older sister and mother as they shopped for bras and they chattered to each other in spanish, ignoring him. Obedient but not happy about it, he followed in tow. The funny part?

His t-shirt, black with white print and no censorship, read "Fuck off, I have enough friends."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I See You Baby (Shakin' That Finger).

Most large retail chains are required to follow standards on how merchandise is displayed, how associates are expected to behave, what posters and marketing can be displayed and when, and what music can be played. The store soundtrack does not get updated very often, and associates often come to memorize the tunes to such a degree that they severely lower job satisfaction. A head manager at the time, to all of the associates approval, brought in a new c.d. The style of music was similar to the approved track, but more upbeat and energizing. The entire staff was just happy to have something new.
We were able to keep this up until someone complained about one particular track, a popular neo-dance bass-centered groove lyricked entirely by it's title, "I See You Baby (Shakin' That Ass)".
The customer expressed her complaint to a manager of a store that sells thongs, garter belts, garter skirts, best-selling panties aptly named "cheekies," brazilian thongs, thigh-highs, and many other items that prominently highlight the ass and its shaking.
The customer left with a bag full of merchandise. Whether she purchased anything suitable for shaking is unknown.

Monday, August 10, 2009

All the Ladies with Singles

I saw a girl yelling at the cashier at Hot Topic. She was quite annoying.
"I want to return this cd."
"Sorry, we don't take open merchandise. Was it scratched or something?"
"No but it's so bootleg, it doesn't even have "Just Dance" on it."
"...That's because this is Lady Sovereign, not Lady Gaga."

Turning red, the girl left as fast as she could.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Ladies Who (don't) Lunch

A pretty teenage girl waiting while her friend is in the dressing room asks to borrow a tape measure. Thinking that some people don't feel comfortable being measured for bras, the associate smiles and hands it over.
The girl measures her bust, waist, and hips. She then walks to one of the impossibly perfect life-sized mannequins and measures its bust, waist, and hips in comparison. Her friend leaves the dressing room, she hands the tape measure back to the uneasy associate and says "Two more inches to go!" before she leaves.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Not that they can't have credit cards.

Most national chains also offer a store line of credit, which is as much for sale as anything with a price tag on it. Associates are required to ask every customer they encounter, and for the brave, the pitch may be the first contact between sales person and client. Clients aren't always responsive, but if they don't dismiss you within the first sentence an associate might have a card sale.

I was friendly. I was talking about all the benefits. Two girls who looked old enough to apply were looking at me a bit oddly, but they were attentive. I thought I might be able to sign them both up and, while there is no incentive or reward for it, I would be following the guidelines of my job description to the letter.

After a full pitch speech, and still no response, I smile and ask, "Can I see if you qualify?"

One of the girls, in a speech pattern that proved her claim but would be in poor taste to even attempt to capture in print, put my perfect sales act to rest with one phrase before they both disappeared into the dressing room.

"We're deaf."

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Turning Japanese, I think I'm.

Larger malls, especially near a large city, attract tourists and visitors from all over the world. An associate offered to help a Japanese business man who was considering some of the nicer gift sets for his wife. After a bit of conversation, they both figured out that American sizes were a little different than what his wife had described to him, and the associate found the reference book for size conversion. Like most of the marketing for the store, although this book was for associate use it featured models on every other page displaying the goods.
"Is that book for sale?"
"Oh, no, I'm sorry sir, it's just for reference." He asks to see it and, being helpful and knowing some read better english than they speak, the salesgirl hands it to him.
With a wink and a smile, the man slips it into his breast pocket, and walks out of the store. The sales girl is dumbfounded. "Oh, um, Sir? Sir?"
Neither the japanese man, nor the sexiest size chart on earth, were ever seen again.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

He likes to watch.

When a mixed-gender group of pre-teens is in the store, it means a lot of giggles and no sales. Associates know this. Most of the time they let it go on until they move on to Hot Topic or they start messing things up.
When the latter began to happen, a male, muscly associate approached the group. He was polite, but impressive, saying simply "Knock it off." The group scattered out of the store.
Except for one boy they left behind. The 13-year-old comedian who put on a pink, lace, polka-dotted push-up bra over his polo shirt.
He looks at the associate, he watches his friends leave.
Looks at the associate again, watches his friends outside of the store.
He then tries to take off the bra that his friends help him put on. The associate just watches as it takes him two minutes to wiggle his way out of it.

When a mixed-gender group of pre-teens leaves one behind, it means a lot of giggles for the rest of us.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Say no to trends.

A young woman walks in. Tall, dark skin, lovely hair, nice body. Good posture, high heels, dressed in carefully coordinated labels , not afraid to show a little skin. She turns to shop from a display on the wall.

No less than four inches of back and two inches of butt crack separate her jeans from her shirt.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Assumptions : number-one cause of awkward.

A smaller-framed, pleasant older woman comes in. "Hi, I'm looking for some new bras, I recently lost a lot of weight."
This is a common phrase, bra fit changes with weight change. "Oh, congratulations!" That's really great."
"Actually, it wasn't...I had cancer."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Taking the law into your own crotch.

Photographer Seth Butler produced a thought-provoking photo essay entitled "Tattered: An Investigation of an American Icon."

Taken from panel 2 of 51 of the essay:
"Tattered is a documentary photo essay investigating the desecration and misuse of the American flag in the context of the U.S. Flag Code. If we are searching for who we are, America, we can find no better point of focus than our own Stars and Stripes."

Debate continues to this day over proper use and misuse of the flag. The often re-proposed Flag Desecration Amendment has never been passed because, while the most altruistic proponents seem to be merely trying to protect the integrity of the flag, there are undeniable implications on the effect such an amendment might have on free speech, artistic expression, political commentary, protesting, etc.

A customer picked up a pair of low-rise blue-lace-trimmed hipster panties made in Vietnam, featuring red and blue sponge-painted stars on a white background. Judging from the size she appeared as compared to the size of the garment, that lace was just barely going to cover her Old Glory.

United States Flag Code, Title 4, Chapter 1, Section 8, {d]. The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free. Bunting of blue, white and red, always arranged with the blue above, the white in the middle, and the red below, should be used for covering a speaker's desk, draping the front of the platform, and for decoration in general.

Fall Free - Does this mean she must display it?
Blue Above - the lace, evidence for a deliberate statement by the designer lost upon the masses.
Red Below - For the sake of common decency I decline to comment on the comparison between the wording of this code and the application of it in the context of a woman's undergarment.

"Oh mohai gawd how cute, it's so patriotic!"

Monday, July 13, 2009

"But in my arms she was always Lolita."

A woman and her pre-teen daughter asked for help finding a swimsuit.
"She's going to camp in a week and needs something for swimming in the lake," the woman told me. At the time we had a good selection of younger swimsuits that were basic, modest two-pieces in cute colors that would be alright for younger girls. However, when we couldn't find something to fit her the mother thanked me and said she was going to look at some basics for herself.
A few minutes later, the woman and her daughter come up to me holding a push-up bra and panty lingerie set - light blue satin, pink satin bows across the chest and tying the panties together.
"Do you think she could wear this as a swimsuit?"
Caught off guard I said it's not really meant for that, and we can't guarantee it'll hold up to chlorine.
"Oh that's alright, she's just going to be swimming in the lake."
A happy customer, they bought the set and walked out thanking me for my help.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Two distinguished gentleman walk in and sit on a log.

Once I watched a male companion of a client scratch his balls. Over the boxers, under the shorts.
For forty seconds.
I counted.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sometimes you feel like a boob, sometimes you don't.

After making her purchase and before leaving, a customer walked up to a manager and politely expressed her dissatisfaction regarding the attire of our associates.
"I'm sorry but your employees show way too much cleavage."
She said this to a manager standing in front of a 6x7 panel of marketing featuring the torso of a pouted model covering her nipples with her arm.
The woman purchased a push-up bra.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Interesting choices in copyrighted body art.

An outline of Miss Piggy. Specifically, Muppet Babies Miss Piggy. On the upper arm.
It was not a thin arm.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Star-Spangled Shoppers

The mall is open on fourth of July. Albeit shorter, sunday hours, it is still open. I suppose one of the most modern shows of american patriotism is spending money on a separate iPod for the gym and a stroller for your dog. It's all good if you're going to a barbecue later; i'm partial to fireworks.
The day is gorgeous and my hours are early. I take the long way to work, through the nice neighborhoods. Cops are smiling. Freshly waxed fire-trucks filled with heros are making their way to parade routes. Every other car has red-white-and-blue, happy tiny children are waving proportionate flags. There's even good parking. It is a beautiful morning in America.
I sip my coffee, happily walking down the halls knowing the world is good, patriotism is delicious and I get paid time-and-a-half. It's a good day. And as I wait outside the glass doors for the manager to finish counting-in the register, come open the doors so I might begin my caffeine-fueled day-
"It's 10:06! They should be fined!" says the Vulture Woman.
A customer with a store bag is pacing next to me.
"They have 15 minutes before they get fined."
"I'm calling corporate on monday! This is ridiculous!"
So, knowing i'm going to see this woman at some point in her rampage of the patience of my managers and staff, as I wait to be let in and sip my coffee, I sing quietly to myself:

"Ev'ry heart beats true
'neath the Red, White and Blue,
Where there's never a boast or brag."

Before she can cross the barrier of dirty looks the cleaning woman lets me in and I'm able to slip in the back, safely hidden until her return was complete.

"Should auld acquaintence be forgot,
Keep your eye on the grand old flag."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

On the store soundtracks.

Customer, to me.: "Jesus, what is this? If I had to listen to this music all day I'd kill myself."
Customer: "How do you stand this music all day?"
Me: "After work I peel out of the parking garage blasting Zeppelin loud enough to get the mall music out of my head, Ma'am."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Cutting off your panties to spite your wallet.

The ticket price is $29.
"No Ma'am, you can't use the $10 off coupon. But it rings up $15, so it's even cheaper than you would have gotten with the coupon."
She didn't purchase the item.

Monday, June 15, 2009

There's a reason Mall and Mal are only one letter away.

Today we closed early due to a certain event held the next day. Like most stores, the front of ours has glass doors, so even when they are locked you can see activity inside and outside. Now, after closing, everything that has been riffled through in the span of the day needs to be put back in the order determined by the powers-that-have-little-practical-but-much-pretty-sense.

So on this special day, works on schedule to clean after the stores closed get a peep-show of sorts, of people walking into the glass doors in avian confusion, so disoriented by the change of hours that they forget how to read. Posted clearly on the store side of the glass is a large feminine-coloured sign informing prospective shoppers of our deepest sympathies they must wait an entire twelve hours before the store opens again. This ellicits the most amusing behavior of Mallus Shopperarious and Long-Islandis Bratus. The following are true accounts.

A man demands to speak to a manager to use a free panty coupon, because the store unexpected closed two hours on expiration day. It's fine with me, sir, if you'd like to wear nice panties; I firmly believe people should do what makes them feel good. But sir, please don't be rude and go on for ten minutes about getting something for your girlfriend. Just cut your losses, come back and spend the $5 to feel pretty.

A woman pushes the door handle; no give, locked. She tries the other door; no give, also locked. She proceeds to the glass plate that separates the doors, that is not a door, and pushes it. This is the glass plate that the sign is in front of. Yes, Ma'am, keep trying. It is a test. Only the strong may shop here. Yes - just like King Arthur, it is foretold that a chosen one will prove their might and rule over the Round Panty Table.

Lastly for today, a worker opened the door to let another employee in when a shopper tried to walk in. The worker kindly told the shopper about the closing, reason, and that the woman she let in was an employee. The shopper told the employee to fuck off and left.

That's what we call a classy broad.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Perhaps it's stretching out of necessity, Ma'am.

"Nono, get the medium! I need medium, they stretch out!"

In context, the woman speaking this was at least 40 years old, and at least add-a-zero-to-that pounds shopping in a section of the store meant for girls in their early twenties, and frequented by girls in their early teens.

You could try Sears.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Is your prom in a strip club?

"I need a thong for my prom dress.  It has to be tiny, and yellow.  Oh and I need it in a large".

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

This is my job.

Times is hard. Work needs to be grabbed. Avoiding names, all you need to know is:
1. Retail
2. Panties
There are worse things one could do involving retail and panties.
...Though, that would pay more.