You Can't Always Get What You Oggle

The mall has long been a destination for teenagers to hang out and do nothing. The malls walk a fine line. They want to attract customers to spend an entire day at the mall. They offer food all over the place, they have an indoor playground for the kids. And some have put in chairs and couches so, instead of being tired and leaving, packs of shoppers can rest up and shop some more. This tactic also welcomes cash-poor teens, and honestly, who's going to tell them to leave - a mall cop on a Segway?

I was on my break, and needed a change of scenery. Even though I was inside I sacrificed the knowing that I would look like a douche bag for a sense of separation from the masses, and I wore my sunglasses indoors. I work in an impression-of-upscale retailer, and I usually dress the part.

Two had-to-be-16-year-old boys, sitting in their not-quite-Ed-Hardy T-shirts, chewing on wish-they-were-cigarette straws, slouched one of the mall-provided couches and fixed their eyes on - well let's say my - walk, turning their heads slowly to follow my ass all the way back to whence it had come.

When older people seek out the underage it is pedophilia. What's it called when younger people seek out ethical adults? Unsuccessful marketing?

See no Panties, Hear no Panties, Speak no Panties.

I was working cashier when a young couple, man and woman, were making their purchase.

"Do you think they make them wear the underwear?" The young man said under his breath, grinning like he'd made a funny.

Overhearing him I smiled as I added up their total and replied, "It's not mandatory, but it is encouraged so we might provide personal testimony. That'll be $51.25"

The man handed over his credit card without saying anything, and neither half of the couple said anything in reply as they took their bags and left.

D.I.Y.

A woman came in looking for a replacement to the strapless bra she was wearing. She seemed so sweet, friendly and sure of the brand she had on. When she showed me the bra, to someone to looks at bras and the like all day, I could tell right away it was a regular bra that had the straps cut off.

Deaf with Rage.

It's awkward enough telling a customer that the store cannot accept their check after they've written it (the computer decides what machina checks we may use, and those we may not.)

Spending five minutes communicating that in hand gestures and head shaking to a customer who cannot hear or speak or read lips doesn't make it any better.

Then trying to inform her that her first credit card was declined? That picks things up to eleven.

BONUS: Recognition..Sort of.

It's only been three months, but this blog has gotten some of the recognition it deserves.

Expiration date of funny: September 17, 2009. Freshness not guaranteed if purchased beyond this date.

No ladies, real or fake, were harmed in this sighting.

Before the store opened one day, several associates were helping re-organize the floor setup. One was re-dressing a life-size mannequin.

These are not as disposable as you might think. Certain stores, in an attempt to appeal to different sensibilities, spend money on specific mannequins that are different ethnicities, have unique faces, and wigs of all shades. They are also very hard and can be quite heavy and when an associate was changing the sportswear on one particular relatable-but-still-unrealistically-proportioned statuette, the ceramic 6-ft-tall woman came crashing down on her.

The other associates rushed over to make sure their co-worker was alright.

The manager, counting money from the register, yelled "Did it break? Those models are ten thousand dollars each."

Oh, I wish I were an oscar mayer panty.

There once was a series of thongs for sale. Differing in color, size and coverage of the panty, they were all uniform in the fact that the graphic gracing the crotch was a hot dog.

In a bun.